So you’ve been diagnosed after weeks (or months) of wondering what was wrong with you and know you know… so what do you do now? What does this mean? How am I supposed to handle this? I am so overwhelmed.
I know how difficult a diagnosis is and knowing where to go from there because I was once there, standing where you’re standing.
I remember feeling so lost. So alone and scared. Anger was taking over my body and I had no control.I would get mad at the slightest things, and then I would panic because I was so angry that it would turn into anxiety over yelling and then ultimately I would feel like the worst mother. It was a vicious circle.
And I Struggled To Get The Help I Needed.
I remember staring at a sign in the OB/GYN office “Are you depressed? Scared? Anxious?” with a photo of a very pregnant woman and a number and website that was listed for you to obtain help. It teased me every time I was in that exam room. I would declare to myself that this was the appointment that I would tell the doctor how I felt. How angry I was. How nothing made me happy. How nervous I was about another baby.
As the doctor rushed into and then quickly out of the room, I lost my nerve, convincing myself that it was just pregnancy hormones, knowing deep down that it wasn’t.
I was beyond excuses that my behavior were a result mood swings and hormone shifts; I was in full rage mode, and I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t control anything- how I felt, how my body felt during pregnancy, how many anxious thoughts crept into my head at night.
I felt out of control. But I never said anything.
That is until I had spent almost 6 days in the hospital mostly alone with my new baby girl and I was feeling pretty terrible still. She was such a good little girl- mostly slept and ate, never cried until they were poking her for more blood. But I couldn’t shake the intrusive thoughts- thoughts that I repeated in my mind that caused intense anxiety for me:
What if she lost too much weight? What if we can’t leave when we’re supposed to because of her jaundice? What if my son hates her, and then hates me? What if I can’t love her?
That last day they handed me the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale, a questionnaire given to postpartum women that measures your mental health after the baby is born. Not once did a nurse or doctor ask me how I was feeling emotionally, but at least it was something. In that moment of strength, I decided to be 100% honest. I was terrified of what the results may have meant, but it was the first step in my long recovery.
I have learned a lot both from my own experience and in my postpartum studies. Some things I have personally tried, and others, I know now to be beneficial for new mothers. My biggest advice is to do what’s best for you and your baby- not what you think you should be doing, feeling or acting.
I’ve seen this quote around and have embraced it fully, “Comparison is the thief of joy”, and when you are experiencing postpartum mental illness, comparing yourself to other mothers, will only stall your recovery. Believe me, those mamas on Instagram or your best friends even, who seem to be rocking new motherhood, probably are doubting themselves every step of the way.
Here are some tips for the mama who is struggling,
but isn’t sure what to do:
~Tell someone. Tell anyone. Tell your best friend, your partner, your sister, your mother, ideally your doctor (don’t stop fighting if the first doctor doesn’t help). Reach out to someone so that they know how you are feeling, so that they are aware of your current state of mind, someone you can trust, and who you can call on for support. You need as much support as you can.
~Exercise– Let me get this perfectly straight, I am NOT saying to exercise to pressure you to lose the baby weight. You should exercise for the mental benefits and not worry about the weight. You don’t need to do P90X or T25 workouts- a simple walk around the block or on a track will do wonders to clear your head, get yourself out of the house and gain better clarity.
~Nutrition– Again, not to lose weight. But there are some proven results from getting better nutrition from foods postnatally that will help you both mentally AND physically. Your best bet for nourishing your body after birth would be to choose lots of nutrient dense foods like colorful produce, proteins and certain grains (quinoa, millet, oats). Drink a ton of water, especially if breastfeeding. Soups and other warm soothing foods are convenient and nourishing while recovering from childbirth. Easy, healthy food is key here. You don’t need to make elaborate meals to use food to feel better. Foods that are also rich with probiotics like yogurt are excellent for aiding with digestion and inflammation. There has been some research to link depression to inflammation in the stomach and gut; in 2013, a study was done that established a correlation between inflammation and postpartum depression.
~Step back from it all once in awhile. Get out of the house by yourself. Do something that makes you happy. Going to Barnes and Noble was my happy place (still is, book nerd!). Go do something that makes you remember who you were and incorporate into who you are becoming. You don’t have to lose yourself in motherhood. Your world changes so drastically, it’s hard to gain perspective while you’re in the trenches. Step back and take a moment to breathe.
~Journal: I have been a life long journal writer. At first it was to document all the events of my childhood, but it later evolved into expressing my feelings and learning how to process them. It’s hard to reach out and say “I need help” especially when you don’t even know what’s wrong. It can be cathartic to write it down, get it out of your head, so that you aren’t agonizing over the same thoughts. Writing in a journal helped me to keep track of the thoughts I was having in addition to helping me sort through why I thought I was failing as a mother. I still reread the journal entries from my postpartum period, knowing all I’ve learned now, processing the feelings I had and how I can learn and educate other women on them.
~Find someone who has been there too. If you can find someone, either a friend or someone online (Instagram has been a solace for me) who understands how you feel, you feel safe to share your feelings and emotional turmoil, but you also gain insight from how someone else has dealt with it and know that you are not alone. Most that struggled with postpartum depression and have come out on the other side, are more than willing to share their experience. Just reach out.
~Give yourself grace. Mental illness is a disease, not brought on because you’re a bad mother or you had unpasteurized cheese while pregnant. Go easy on yourself for at least the fourth trimester- don’t worry about losing all the baby weight, or getting the baby on the perfect schedule (believe me, baby will more than likely switch things up once you do!). Focus on you and your recovery. Focus on getting to know your baby and mastering one handed feedings or late night diaper changes where you can barely see straight. Don’t worry about the rest. That’s what your village is for.
~Find your village. There is a reason why there is the saying “it’s take a village.” Not so long ago, and still in many cultures, when a woman had a baby, the village came into her home and took care of everything so that the mother could solely focus on the baby and her own wellness. These days, the pressure to “do it all” and “do it perfectly” mixed with families being further away from each other, have made new motherhood very isolated and lonely. Your village is comprised of everyone you can ask for help- friends, family, doctors, child care providers, therapists, mothers groups: locally and online.
~Ask for help. This is one of the hardest things to do as a mother. Hell it’s always hard. Ask for what you need. Need a nap? Ask your partner to hang out with the baby for an hour. Having trouble juggling new baby and a toddler? Ask a trusted friend or family member to hang out with your older child, leaving you able to feed and nurture the baby thus alleviating mother’s guilt over worrying that your older child is being neglected. Need a shower? Have grandma come over and snuggle the baby. House a mess? Hire a housecleaner to take care of the heavy cleaning or ask your partner to step up. Need some help with motherhood? Hire a postpartum doula.
“You are not a bad mother for asking for help. Actually it makes you a better mother because you won’t have to worry about the little things, and you can focus on what truly counts- baby time and your own recovery.”
Unknown