As mamas, we not only have to endure pregnancy and postpartum, with little to no help, but we also need to hear other people’s endless commentary on my body, my baby or my mothering. Why is it that so many people feel compelled to share what they think and say so without a filter?
When I was pregnant, I distinctly remember getting noticed after my belly was no longer hidden from view, and everyone began to make comments,
“Are you sure there aren’t two in there?”
“You look bigger than so-and-so and they are further along than you.”
“WOW, your belly looks huge today!”
I can’t help thinking about what compels people to share this information with a pregnant, tired, mother who is well aware of her changing body and her large belly/boobs/swollen feet. She does not need you to point it out in such an insensitive manner. If you wouldn’t say anything to a non-pregnant woman about her size or weight, then nothing should be said when she’s pregnant. (And if you comment on someone else’s size or weight, then you’re just a bundle of joy to the world, aren’t ya?).
All common sense seems to go out the window when a woman is pregnant and the advice and body size becomes fair game. But who made this rule? Definitely not a woman who has gone through pregnancy and postpartum.
It used to make me crazy when someone would say, “You think you’re tired now, just wait until the baby comes.” Sometimes we’re just complaining, but we are definitely not looking for your critique of our size or advice on how to prepare for the baby.
We’re just tired. And your comments are SO cliche.
I once saw a list of things not to say to a pregnant woman and thought it was sad that it had to be said, but also beneficial to everyone who is making the mistake of pissing off a pregnant mama. Having been pregnant myself three times, I am aware of all the terrible comments that a pregnant woman may hear. Unfortunately new mamas hear the same type of comments. And it’s time for this to stop.
After reading that list, I felt compelled to compile a list of things not to say to a postpartum Mom, because I heard MORE inappropriate questions and comments as a new mother than I did when I was pregnant. You never know what a mother is going through, so it’s best practice to keep the dismissive comments to yourself. She could be struggling with her body image after years of dieting and exercise to remain thin. She could be super anxious about how much milk the baby is getting or about keeping the baby alive.
The only thing you SHOULD say to a new mum is “How can I help?” or “You look
amazing” or “go take a nap/shower/moment to yourself, I’ll snuggle the little one.”
But alas, in case you need a reminder, here is a list of the most rude things you could say to a new mother:
15 Rude Comments You Should Stop Saying To A New Mama
- “Is the baby sleeping through the night?” Why are others so obsessed with how your baby is sleeping, especially in the first month of life? Most babies do not know the difference between day and night; most are not sleeping through the night after the first month, or two or 12 depending on your baby. Best bet is to assume that the baby is NOT sleeping through the night, and that mama is extremely exhausted. Just assume that the baby is not sleeping well, and keep mum in lieu of stressing out mom by incessantly asking.
- “You still haven’t lost that baby weight, eh?” I will repeat this again. No one should comment on someone else’s weight EVER. Pregnant, postpartum, ever.
- “Why are you crying? You should be so happy!” Sometimes when moms first give birth and for the first two weeks or so, post delivery, they could experience what is commonly known as the “baby blues.” While this is usually due to sleep deprivation and a general sense of overwhelm, “baby blues” should dissipate in a few weeks. For some though, it does not go away after a few weeks and the new mama experiences some form of a postpartum mental illness, which makes it impossible to control one’s emotions. Commenting on their general state of being, and hitting them with a “should” regarding their happiness is off limits, unless it is to express genuine concern or offer some sort of help. Don’t tell a new mom how they should feel- if they are feeling the opposite, then it could lead to shame and guilt for feeling the opposite, and yet they have no control over it. Try this instead, “oh mama, you’re doing such an amazing job, tears and overwhelm are normal, but how can i help?”
- “At least, you have a healthy baby.” Of course you are ecstatic that your baby is healthy, but does anyone think about mom, her birthing experience/trauma or how she is feeling physically and emotionally? Does she have to sacrifice her own experience in return for a healthy baby? Birth trauma is a real danger after a delivery that does not go nearly as planned, potentially endangering the baby or mother, causing deep trauma to the mother. A healthy baby is not always the number one goal- a healthy mom and baby are what we should be aiming for. By only focusing on a healthy baby, the mother and her needs can be forgotten and after a traumatic birth; when her needs need to take precedence over all else.
- “When do you go back to work?” This one personally killed me. From the very first day of my maternity leave, which was cut to 8 unpaid weeks (I did not qualify for FMLA coverage), I dreaded going back to work. I couldn’t fathom leaving my son, he was so small, so helpless. I spent a majority of my leave anxious about going back and crying because I didn’t think I could handle it. And everyone seemed to remind me of my ticking clock when they would ask me when I was going back. I was torturing myself with a countdown, and didn’t need the friendly reminder.
- “I had X amount of kids, I don’t know why you’re struggling so badly.” Your experience is not the same as my experience. Her experience is not the same as yours. To compare two different journeys into motherhood is asinine, and to belittle a new mom’s feelings by basically reaffirming to her that you think she can’t handle it, is the worst kind of comment. She already feels like a bad mom; she already feels like she is failing. She does not need you to tell her how your kids were sleeping through the night at 3 days old or that you could handle 3 jobs, taking care of the kids and are in the best shape of your life. And she sure as hell does not need you judging her.
- “You have a supportive husband, you can’t be depressed.” This one cuts to my core, as it was the only comment made to me by my doctor at my 2-week postpartum check after my first c-section. I was struggling. I knew in my head that having a supportive partner has nothing to do with how I am handling new motherhood nor should it have anything to do with my emotional state. Of course having a supportive husband is helpful- you can embrace the chaos together. It’s also nice to have a supportive, non-dismissive doctor. To place the weight on a supportive husband keeping postpartum depression at bay for a new mother, is ludicrous. You could have all the support in the world and you could still suffer from a maternal mental illness.
- “How’s your vagina?” umm… just no. Unless you’re my OB/gyn or my husband, you don’t get to know how things are going down there.
- “You took the easy way out with a c-section.” There is no easy way out when it comes to bringing a new life into this world. Having done both a vaginal and a cesarean delivery myself, neither is a piece of cake. Giving birth leaves you exhausted, sore in places you never thought you would be, scared to go to the bathroom and weak. A c-section is a major abdominal surgery- which comes with a whole slew of risks and complications. A c-section is rough because it’s an added recovery that can make caring for your baby more difficult. There is no easy way out.
- “What did you do all day?” Or “Where’s my dinner?” Being home with a newborn is not easy. If you’re nursing, you could be stuck in a seated position for hours on end. There’s no time for laundry or vacuuming or even dishes. Just because she is sitting down does not mean she has had a restful, enjoyable day of leisure. It does not mean she relaxed instead of keeping the house clean or sorting and folding laundry. Don’t accuse her of not doing anything. Keeping a newborn alive is hard freaking work. For better results, try this instead: ‘I’ve brought takeout. Tell me about your day!’
- “Enjoy every moment.” Ugh. There are so many UNENJOYABLE aspects of motherhood. And if you do not enjoy every moment (i.e. diaper blowouts, no sleep for days, crying uncontrollably for what seems like no reason- and this goes for both mom and baby), then you are a horrible mother because children are nothing but a blessing. Okay, a bit of an exaggeration, but if you are prone to guilt, if you are not enjoying every moment, then you may actually be worried that you are a terrible mom. Motherhood is messy. It’s hard. It’s rewarding. It’s sleep depriving. Did I say it was hard? No one enjoys every moment. And you will not enjoy every moment of your baby, your toddler, or your teenager. Sometimes it is just hard. And those “enjoy every moment” people are probably quite a few years from their last postpartum anyway, so what do they remember?
- “But you have such an easy baby.” How could you be struggling when all your baby does is sleep, rarely cry and has an overall pleasant disposition? Because your struggles are not a direct result of whether you have a “good” or a “bad” baby; or a happy or sad baby. As a new mom, your life has completely changed; you’ve never been so tired and your emotions never so unsteady. Add another child, and you’re navigating a whole different kind of overwhelm. While a baby that is happy most of the time can be easier to adjust to this new life, all babies are HARD in their own way. This new role is difficult and it’s okay if you struggle, but you don’t have to struggle alone.
- “But you look like you’re rocking new motherhood.” Oh social media, it helps keep up with people we haven’t talked to since high school and gives you the ability to peek inside every one’s “perfect” life. Who wants to post about the difficult days? Who wants to share that they lost their shit on a little baby because she woke up again and you just need a nap? Who wants to share about the very public breakdown you had in Target yesterday? Social media is a highlight reel, and just because it looks like I am “rocking it” doesn’t mean I am. I may be barely holding on, but trying to convince the world that I am “rocking it.” Please don’t diminish my feelings based on what you see on instagram.
- “You’re just tired.” or “It’s just the baby blues.” Both of these statements are completely dismissive and tell a new mother that while you may be struggling, it’s just 100% normal to feel like this when you just had a baby. While you may be exhausted beyond belief, if you are not feeling quite right, the attempt to comfort you may come off as saying, “you’re fine, take a nap and suck it up.” It may just be baby blues but if your symptoms last beyond the typical 2 weeks, you may want to consider that it may be something more and you should reach out to a trusted doctor or friend. Note: if you are that friend that is saying either of these statements to someone you love, stop what you’re saying, just go over, care for their baby and let them sleep. It could be exhaustion, but it could be more. Let’s not dismiss how lonely this period is, and how you can’t always trust how you feel. Moms don’t need to further doubt themselves with dismissive comments.
- “All moms have those thoughts.” Yes, all new mothers have bad thoughts. All new mothers are terrified of having an accident while the baby is in the back of the car. All moms envision what could happen to their babies while in the tub. These thoughts are normal. This is the way our brain protects itself- by giving you all possible outcomes for any situation so that you are aware of how you can keep your baby safe. What’s not normal is replaying those thoughts in your head continuously, until you are too afraid to leave the house because something may happen while you are out. You may begin to think everything is going to harm your baby and want to be in control of every situation, resulting in increased anxiety. These thoughts, called intrusive thoughts, are beyond normal new mom worries; they torture you on repeat. Take a normal new mom’s worry and replay it to her a thousand times in succession and she will start to believe that she is a bad mother and unable to protect her baby. She will feel out of control. You may start to believe that having these thoughts means you want to harm your baby. This is postpartum anxiety. So please don’t dismiss them by saying that it’s normal and all moms experience thoughts like that. Those thoughts can be scary as hell and can lead to postpartum anxiety in a new mother.“But you have such an easy baby.” How could you be struggling when all your baby does is sleep, rarely cry and has an overall pleasant disposition? Because your struggles are not a direct result of whether you have a “good” or a “bad” baby; or a happy or sad baby. As a new mom, your life has completely changed; you’ve never been so tired and your emotions never so unsteady. Add another child, and you’re navigating a whole different kind of overwhelm. While a baby that is happy most of the time can be easier to adjust to this new life, all babies are HARD in their own way. This new role is difficult and it’s okay if you struggle, but you don’t have to struggle alone. “But you look like you’re rocking new motherhood.” Oh social media, it helps keep up with people we haven’t talked to since high school and gives you the ability to peek inside every one’s “perfect” life. Who wants to post about the difficult days? Who wants to share that they lost their shit on a little baby because she woke up again and you just need a nap? Who wants to share about the very public breakdown you had in Target yesterday? Social media is a highlight reel, and just because it looks like I am “rocking it” doesn’t mean I am. I may be barely holding on, but trying to convince the world that I am “rocking it.” Please don’t diminish my feelings based on what you see on instagram.
Bottom line- if you’re not saying “how can I help?” or showing up with food and saying “bake on 375 for 35 minutes, let me take that baby, you go nap/shower/be alone,” then don’t say anything at all. You never know how a new mom is feeling (you should ask!!). you don’t want her to take something the wrong way when you actually mean it in support. moms need more help, not dismissive comments or discussions about their postpartum bodies or explanations for why they should be happy. support them in help and in love and kindness. reach out to me and I can also help guide you on how to help or how I can help.
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