Before I Knew
Before I knew, my knowledge of postpartum depression was only what I heard on the news and saw in movies. Mothers with no interest in their babies, women who harmed their children, and those who disappeared from their children’s lives because they couldn’t handle their new life.
Before I knew, I had no idea that the term postpartum depression could mean so much more than just depression, but could include anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder and psychosis. But no one told me otherwise.
Before I knew, I thought PPD was actually what is clinically known as postpartum psychosis but no one informed me of the vast difference between the two.
Before I knew, I judged women who had postpartum depression. I could not understand how they could look at their newborn baby and not feel anything but intense love. I could not fathom how a mother could hurt their baby.
Before I knew, I judged mothers harshly who were suffering from something beyond their control. They did not choose to feel that way. They had no control over their emotions or actions; Something else had taken hold of them.
Before I knew, I told myself that would never be me, as it were a choice. How could a mother hurt their own baby or themselves? What a selfish and disgusting act I thought, before I knew.
Before I knew, I heard how much my best friend’s struggled with the transition into motherhood after her first and I couldn’t believe how anxious she was. Meticulously noting every time she nursed and every time she changed a diaper. She obsessed over her baby getting enough milk.Before I knew, I had no idea I would do the same and it would become an obsession.
Before I knew, I watched as a bridesmaid In my best friend’s wedding, who had had a baby days prior, struggle to make it through the day. I watched as she seemed detached from her baby or had no interest in feeding him; she looked blank as if she was still processing her new life. She looked scared. I could not relate to her in any way.
Before I knew, I judged her for not loving motherhood. Before I knew, I assumed that she had no feelings towards her baby and I wondered how that could be.
Before I knew, I had no idea that I would experience postpartum anxiety and depression. No one truly can know. Before I knew, I didn’t know how much motherhood would change me, strip away who I once was and flip me over a few thousand times and ask me to function as if my entire world had not changed overnight.
Before I knew, I insisted I could handle it all myself and couldn’t ask for help because that made me a bad mother. No one told me that to ask for help would help me be a better mother. To me, it was the opposite: if I asked for help, that meant I had failed.
Before I knew, I never realized how hard it would be to put on a happy face, when inside, your heart felt like it was breaking.
Before I knew, I could never imagine feeling so incredibly sad, yet have three beautiful children and a supportive husband. Before I knew, none of this would spare me from PPD.
No One Told Me
No one told me about maternal mental health or how prevalent it was in new mothers AND second, third, fourth time mothers.
No one told me that in some form or another, it affects 1 in 5 women.
No one told me that when I was suffering from anxiety after my first was born, I told myself that it was normal, that I just had first time mom nerves.
No one told me so when I had my second kid and felt like I was failing her the moment I met her that that was not how all moms feel about their motherhood journey.
No one told me that feeling like I was drowning on dry land was not a normal emotion; that feeling like losing my mind was a sign of postpartum depression. Instead I suffered in silence, fearing there was something wrong with me.
No one told me that it would be this difficult…
No one told me that it was normal to have scary thoughts, but not normal if those scary thoughts took over your brain.
Here’s What I Know Now
You cannot predict if you’ll have a postpartum mood disorder. There are many factors that may put you at a greater risk for PPD, but no test exists that you can take to predict or to confirm if you have it. So many women go undiagnosed because they are afraid- afraid to seem weak or like they regret becoming a mother; afraid that if you admit to the feelings in your brain that they will lock you up and take your children away.
Many women who do try to get diagnosed, have medical professionals dismiss their feelings with no understanding of the disease and don’t know how to treat it. So many women do not admit to these feelings because of the judgment they feel coming from others.
Before I knew firsthand, I was once the judgmental one. Before I knew firsthand, I wish someone had told me.
Change the Stigma
There is such a stigma around postpartum mood disorders. Some of it has to do with the media but the majority is due to a lack of understanding and education about the mental health crisis for mothers.
To change the stigma, we must change how we think; change how we learn; change how we educate. It should be taught in school; it should be a requirement for anyone with a medical degree. It should be common knowledge.
The public should know there is a difference between a mother who has postpartum depression and one who suffers from psychosis.
Society should know that experiencing either does not mean that you are a bad mother who does not love their children; but instead that they are suffering from complications from childbirth and pregnancy. Just as one who suffers from gestational diabetes or a postpartum hemorrhage, postpartum mood disorders are far more prevalent in new mothers, yet no one judges those who have a postpartum hemorrhage or gestational diabetes,
So why judge those mothers who suffer from a maternal mental illness, one she also has no control over?
Because no one knows. Because no one told them.