Can I have juice?
Can I go to so and so’s house?
Can I have a snack?
What’s for dinner?
Can I have a snack?
Can you take my sock off?
Milk? Milk? Mama? Mama?
Did you get the email from the teacher?
Do we have karate today?
Can you clean my room?
Can I have a snack?
All these requests, but not a single thank you though. As mothers, we have been conditioned to want to provide for our children and to give them what they need; take care of them when they are sick; clean up after them and of course get them a snack every ten minutes (give or take). But do they say thank you unprompted without the reminder from mom to say it? Do they have any idea how much we do for them?
It’s Thanksgiving time and in honor of the holiday, it is a time to give thanks to all we are thankful for (and of course eating turkey and stuffing). But for most moms, they don’t always hear the thank you’s we want/need to hear the most. Sometimes being a mom is an extremely thankless job.
And it’s not like we haven’t reminded them to say ‘thank you,’ whenever it’s warranted since they were about six months old. And it’s not like we feel appreciated anyway (we don’t). It may feel frustrating for you to never see grateful faces or hear grateful words coming from your children, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t indeed thankful.
Kids may not fully grasp what it means to be thankful at early ages. As they develop, they will need to be taught how to be grateful. If we want our children to give thanks, we need to show them how to give thanks. By showing your own gratitude for your world around you, you show your children what it means to be grateful. By watching you they learn and model their own behaviors after what they see you doing and saying.
Why Do We Want To Teach Gratitude
Aside from the obvious that it makes you a better human, to be thankful for what you have and what others give and provide for you, there are other reasons why teaching gratitude to children is a must. Gratitude is defined as the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. For a kid to show appreciation for what they have is practically what every parent wants for their children, but there are many other reasons for parents to emphasize the importance of gratitude.
In a 2019 study of 5 year olds gratitude is linked to happiness. As children get older, grateful children tend to be happier, more optimistic, have better grades and are more involved in the community. Who wouldn’t want this for their kids? By teaching them to become grateful, we are helping them to become happier, healthier adults.
When you are thankful, you are opening doors to new relationships by being grateful and showing others kindness. People are more apt to want to be your friend because those are great qualities to have in your friends.
In addition, both your physical and psychological health improve just by learning how to be grateful. Gratitude reduces envy, as you are appreciative of what you already have. It also enhances empathy, reduces aggression and frustration. Being thankful for what you already have reduces social comparisons so no need to compare to someone who has more, resulting in higher self-esteem in those practicing gratitude on a regular basis.
How Do We Teach Gratitude
You may not remember how you learned to be thankful (provided you have learned it, as many adults have not, but hopefully you have!). It may be because we learned it subtly by watching our parents interact with others or listening when we are told to say thank you and recognizing the importance of how grateful people are treated.
A good way to teach gratitude is by modeling the behaviors you would like your kids to have. So if you want your kids to be appreciative of the work you do around the house for them, then praise them for doing the same type of work. Notice when your partner helps out and point it out to the kids and be sure to commend your partner for the help.
Tell them the importance of why you are doing things: like going to a cheerleading competition when the weekend is already busy or getting food for the week at the store when you are exhausted and don’t want to. Explain why doing things for others is important; explain why being thankful makes someone want to do more for you; explain why you are thankful for the things you have. You are the very best model for them.
Other ways to consider are using the 4 part definition of gratitude as explained by the Raising Grateful Children Project at UNC Chapel Hill. The four parts are: Notice, Think, Feel and Do. Ask them questions based on each of these parts to get them to notice their own gratitude.
What do we notice in our lives for which we can be grateful?
How can we think about why we have been given those things?
How do we feel about the things we have been given?
What can we do to express the appreciation we have for those things?
There are also other little ways that you can show your kids how to be grateful, that don’t take very much and may be things that you already do. Just include them in the process. Again modeling the behavior is the best way to teach them!
How to teach them to be thankful:
- Say please and thank you to them, to others in front of them
- Help someone who needs assistance
- Thank you cards for gifts
- Volunteer with your children
- Give a gift just because
- Make it part of your daily routine- at dinner, at bedtime
- Practice gratitude year round- not just Thanksgiving
- Help them pack a box of used toys, deliver to Salvation Army and explain the reasons why some children don’t have the same things they do
Why do mothers continue with this thankless job?
So it is up to us as parents to teach our children to be thankful, another task on the never ending parenting to-do list. Teaching gratitude will provide all sorts of benefits for our children, but how do we continue to move through our motherhood journey, knowing that this is something our children need to learn and perpetually work on while realizing that they rarely give us the thanks.
Why do we continue with this thankless job? Is it love? Is it a hope that someday they will be thankful for all the selfless acts of love we provided to them while growing up?
Because it is fulfilling, albeit exhausting. Because we want to be proud of who they become. Because it really isn’t completely thankless if you look at how children are showing you their gratitude in small ways. If you look real close, you may find they have been giving you small little “thank you’s” all along the way.
Small ways they tell you they are thankful:
- Draw picture for you
- They say thankful unprompted by anyone
- They tell you they love you out of nowhere
- Loan you their most prized possession
- Try to help you with a task
- They snuggle in close
- Complete a task without being asked
- When they only want you
Lastly, the effort that you are putting in parenting now, will one day reap all the benefits. One day they will look up and say thank you for something small but when you look in their eyes, they are thanking you for every snack, every wipe, every boogie, every late night nursing session, every holiday made special by you. They will thank you for all they learned, all they have witnessed, all the nights up with a newborn and then waiting up for your teenager.
Someday they will thank you for being their mother because in their eyes, they finally see how much you did for them; everything they sacrificed; and every worry that consumed you. They finally see and are insanely grateful for you mama.
Thank you to my mama for all you have done for me, all you have sacrificed, all you have given me. I see it now; I see you now.