This is the third time I’ve checked my Facebook feed in the past 5 minutes. In case you’re wondering, I don’t have any new notifications and no one has posted anything of interest. I go back to my work, but my 6-week old coos, and my focus is now on her. Does she need anything? Was that a happy coo or the beginning of a meltdown? She looks up at me and settles herself.
Back to work: email pops up, instant messenger dings and flashes and the baby makes another noise. I know she’s getting hungry but I’m staring at the same work I started the day with. My boobs are aching to nurse, but I need to look like I am attempting to get something done on my first week back since having her.
My mind is everywhere but where I need it to be. At work, it’s on the baby. Or the older kids. Or my husband. Or the tasks that I need to do. Or my messy home. When I’m in mom mode, I am thinking about all the work I didn’t do and stressing that my bosses will notice.
And this is not an unfamiliar feeling. Mom-life has been a constant balancing act between work and parenting. Am I working too much and not being a good mother? But on the other hand, by not working I have time to attempt to be the mom I want to be. It’s a lose-lose battle. I am constantly losing my balance.
How Am I Going To Do This?
This is not my only return back to work after having a baby. With my firstborn, I stressed about my leave from the moment I came home from the hospital. An unpaid leave from a job I had not yet been at for the required twelve months to earn twelve weeks of FMLA protection. My state saved me with an 8-week job-protected leave, unpaid of course. I begged for another 2 weeks, as it wasn’t paid, and as long as my employer approved, I was able to do it.
My job was outside the house and an hour-plus commute each way. I got up early and came home late to avoid traffic and stressed about not having the time I needed to be with my son. I hoped he would be up at night so I had that time to spend with him, nursing in the dark. I was so busy I barely had a moment to catch my breath.
Postpartum Anxiety Increases Anguish
With my second, I suffered from postpartum anxiety and struggled to function. Going back to work at only 9 weeks was extremely tough. Even though I was a full-time “work from home” mom and I could go visit her anytime I wanted, I tirelessly tried to stay in work mode during the hours I had childcare so as to not lose focus or interrupt my babysitter’s flow with the baby. Unfortunately I had no focus to speak of and spent a tremendous amount of time crying in my office, longing for her, and worrying she was bonding with everyone but me.
I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t remember things. Some days I felt like I was going crazy, but I had to pretend that I was okay. I had to function because now I had two children to care for. I was not okay and work suffered. My relationship with my husband also suffered as I resented the fact that I had to work and I was angry that I wasn’t lucky enough to have a spouse who could support us totally (Who does these days anyway??). I was always rushing to catch up on work, housework, and being a decent parent, but felt like I was failing EVERYthing.
One Last Return To Work
My final return to work, after my last kid, was only six whole weeks postpartum, and in the middle of a pandemic. I was lonely, secluded and not yet healed from my repeat C-section. Fortunately though, we were not comfortable bringing someone into the home, while Covid19 is still running rampant through our country, so luckily, my daughter stayed with me daily. Plus, paying for child care is not cheap, and we were already struggling after my six week “unpaid vacation.” I figured I could keep her with me until she started really moving around. While she is stationary, I can keep tabs on her and wear her as necessary.
Even though I had a c-section, I am still bleeding six weeks later. This is the longest I have bled and I believe that it is no coincidence since it is both my shortest leave of absence and I have never been so stressed. On top of working from home while taking care of a newborn, I am also solely responsible for getting my middle daughter to and from preschool three times a week and teaching “remote learning” three days a week for my kindergarten aged son. (Remote learning being limited to begging him to stay tuned into his teacher for his 20 minute a day meeting and threatening him Sunday nights to finish the packet we were supposed to be doing all week long.)
They tell you when you leave the hospital to take it easy but how can I when there are so many moving pieces. I am exhausted. My older kids still sneak in my bed at night, and I have a six-week-old who doesn’t like to sleep without mama. Most nights I am getting my sleep in a rocking chair, as there is no room in my bed when the baby finally settles in her bassinet. I get maybe 4 hours of sleep combined.
But I still have to go to work and fully function as if I were not a parent. How they expect me to concentrate when I have a 6-week old and a major sleep deficit is beyond my knowledge (and beyond theirs, as I am trying not to get in trouble for doing triple duty) but I push on. Need to bring home a paycheck after 6 weeks of not being paid.
Many mothers find themselves in the same boat. With only 40% of private companies offering paid leave (and only 23% of those who work for those private companies being eligible to take a such a leave), most women need to return to work quicker than they would have liked. The Federal Medical Leave Act (FMLA) only protects your job for 12 weeks IF you are eligible and meet FMLA guidelines (such guidelines include: on job 12+ months, at a company of more than 50 people and working full time).
So how do you go back when you aren’t ready, but you have to? I am not going to sugar coat it; it feels impossible. It’s heart wrenching and is not easy at all. There will be a lot of tears (from both you and your baby), but you will get through those first few days, and then first weeks, and it will be easier.
Here are my best tips on how to deal with
returning to work when you’re not ready:
- Take tasks one at a time.
- Keep a pad of paper handy. Write down all distractions to help remember to do them. Take a break when you’ve been decently producing and tackle one item from that list.
- Take mind breaks. Sometimes pushing through when you’re tired or lacking concentration just keeps you from being productive. Take a break to breathe. Close your eyes. Rest your mind.
- Set a timer where all you do is focus on the task you are working on. Don’t do anything else until it is finished or the timer goes off. When the timer goes off, take a mental break.
- Make a plan before you go back, whether with a spouse or not, you need a strategy for how you are going to work and mom.
- Set a time when your workday ends and be consistent.
- Best you can try not to tackle too many tasks at once. Something is always being thrown at you, but you can only do one thing at a time. Prioritize each task and start with the most important one.
- Give yourself grace.
Some of these tips may seem like common sense, but when you’re knee deep in the situation, even common sense tips seem difficult. My very best advice for you is to take it slow and give yourself grace. If you feel comfortable enough, explain how you are feeling to your boss so that they are clued into your mindset coming back. Having both good and bad experiences going back, when I was able to communicate my struggles to my boss this last maternity leave, lifted an intense weight off my chest and allowed me to focus on what I needed to. Don’t be afraid to have that conversation with your boss or human resources. Protect yourself, your mental wellness and your job. You have rights as both an employee and as a mother, and in this trying postpartum period, you need to utilize all the help you can grab.