The moment you become a mother, you start dreaming of your perfect motherhood. Singing soft lullabies as you rock them to sleep; the snuggles, that sweet newborn smell… It’s all an amazing experience. Yes, you’re tired, but isn’t it worth it?? But what if you don’t feel like that? What if instead of your mind is flooded with thoughts like:
“Isn’t motherhood supposed to be better than this?”
“I’m afraid that they will take my baby away from me if they know the thoughts I am thinking.”
“I heard that a woman was arrested for telling her doctor how she felt postpartum. No way am I going to do that. I don’t want to go to jail because I’m mentally unwell.”
There are so many reasons why maternal mental health is not talked about like it should. For one, motherhood is NOT black and white. Everyone has a different experience and few talk about the downsides of this life changing event. There is a stigma attached to new motherhood- it’s supposed to be the most amazing experience and when new mothers struggle with their mental health, they don’t talk about it. Mental health alone in this country is not talked about enough- especially in a positive light- and people feel shame and guilt for feeling the way that they do, especially new mothers.
Instead of reaching out for help at such a fragile new time, mothers struggle with their mental health, citing that a healthy baby is most important and excusing their thoughts and feelings for new mom worries. Other mothers know something is wrong, and because no one talks about the importance of maternal mental health, they are left with very many scary thoughts.
“I’m worried that if anyone knew how miserable I was inside, they would call me crazy.”
“I’m afraid that they will lock me up without my baby.”
“I’m afraid that everyone will KNOW I am a terrible mother.”
That last one is why I didn’t speak up. I was convinced if people knew what I was experiencing or the intrusive thoughts that flooded my mind, they would know what I was already convinced of: I am a terrible mother.
My Experience
With my first, I don’t even remember being asked how I was. I laughed at the screening they gave me thinking, “How could I be depressed when I just gave birth to this beautiful healthy baby boy?”
With my second, I was more aware of my emotions and noticed the signs hanging in the OB/GYN office, but still no one asked me how I was throughout what felt like a ridiculously long pregnancy. I knew something wasn’t right, but convinced myself, I was being too sensitive and that my hormones were all out of whack. Every time I told myself I would say something to my doctor when she asked, “any questions for me?” I convinced myself that it was better I stayed silent, because I was overreacting. But still I felt off.
After my second was born, I remember feeling numb. Feeling little connection to her, I felt trapped in the hospital, as my husband shuttled back and forth between the hospital room and home to my almost 2 year son. I was alone a lot. My daughter slept a lot, she nursed beautifully, and was very quiet. I felt useless, I felt like I had forgotten everything I once knew about being a mother. I was extremely anxious that I was screwing up everything.
They asked me about my incision; about my pain level; if I had a bowel movement yet; they asked me how much I was bleeding… but no one ever asked me how I was doing…you know how I was REALLY doing on the inside. I smiled and joked with the nurses when they came in, but felt empty on the inside.
They snuck the Edinburgh Scale into some of my other hospital paperwork, as they did with my first. No one mentioned it. Only this time, instead of wondering how a mother could feel so hopeless when their baby was born healthy and happy, I decided to offer up my truth. I answered every answer with honesty. When a doctor from my OB’s practice came in, I knew she was there to ask me about my answers. I felt relieved that I never had to say the words out loud, as I had tried so many times before.
I didn’t tell anyone, except my husband. I was ashamed. I was afraid. I didn’t want anyone to know my secret. I painted a smile on my face and posted pictures on social media, never once expressing how I truly felt. I took my Zoloft in private, I scoured for postpartum depression support in my area at all hours, writing emails to people in the middle of the night in organizations that were supposed to help. But I never heard back. I was lost. Anxious and afraid. Confused and helpless. Hiding my secret.
One In Five
I had become 1 in 5. That is the statistic: one in 5 women suffer from a postpartum mood disorder. 20% of new mothers. No one is immune from postpartum depression and other mood disorders. While some women are at higher risk (sensitivity to intense hormone shifts, prior bouts of depression, traumatic pregnancy and/or birth experience, etc), anyone is susceptible.
The most common complication of pregnancy is postpartum depression (and other mood disorders), and yet the screening process is terrible. Pregnant women are screened for a multitude of complications including gestational diabetes and preeclampsia, yet are never asked or screened for any mental health issues. Many of the symptoms that affect mothers’ mental health can be detected in pregnancy and if discovered earlier, a better plan for maintaining good mental health can be put in place. Instead it’s rarely recognized and postpartum mood disorders last are very prevalent and last longer than many of us realize.
So Why Is MMH Important?
There is the cliche saying that always comes back: Before you assist others, always put on your oxygen mask first. If a new mother is suffering with her mental health, how can she help anyone else without first helping herself?
Without mental health, there is no health. A new mother without the proper support in place for her own mental health, may develop a mood disorder that obstructs her ability to mother her newborn or care for herself. Or she could be suffering every day and yet paints a perfect picture of new motherhood. Either way, we need to place more emphasis on preparing for postpartum.
We read books on preparing for the baby, scour the internet for the best car seat stroller combination and create a registry including everything you could possibly think of. You prepare your hospital bag weeks ahead of time and learn about how to breathe during childbirth; you read books about the baby’s first year and beyond, but rarely do mothers think about how to care for themselves after delivery.
So What Can We Do Differently?
In some cultures new mothers are allowed to stay in bed for 40 days while the women of the village take care of everything else. The new mother is solely supposed to focus on her recovery while bonding and learning to breastfeed without the added pressures of day to day life. In America, due to a lack of a paid maternity leave system, many women are forced to go back to their jobs 2 weeks after delivery. Those lucky enough to afford to stay home only have a short 12 weeks to master new life as a mother.
It has to start with emphasizing the importance of mothers, and their mental health. We need to include additional education in pregnancy and for creating a postpartum wellness plan to care for the mother’s needs post-delivery. We need to create better support networks and educate women and families on where to find resources for help. We need to create more resources for help and make them readily available to everyone who needs them, not just those who can afford them.
It is also about better screening tools. The average pregnant woman sees her doctor 12 times throughout her pregnancy, but only once in postpartum. And many women describe that one appointment as lackluster: doctor checks on the healing of either a woman’s vagina or c-section incision; asks about the baby and if the mother has any questions or concerns and hands her a copy of the same Edinburgh Depression Scale as the one they filled out in the hospital prior to being released. More often than not, a woman’s mental health is not discussed verbally and only if that woman is truthful on that questionnaire, is she ever asked more about her mental wellness.
How To Help
This week is Maternal Mental Health Week and is more important than ever as the number one complication of pregnancy is postpartum depression, and the leading cause of death of mothers is suicide (higher than any medical cause of death, which is terrifying). We need to bring awareness to the importance of proper care for new mothers. We need to change the stigma so that 7 in 10 women don’t have downplay their symptoms to make it seem like they are alright. We need to value mental health as much as any other health related issue.
The Blue Dot Project, an organization that works to raise awareness of maternal mental health while combating shame and stigma, uses this week to allow people to share their stories and further emphasize the importance of maternal mental health. Women need to not feel shame, but feel strong enough to share their stories and let other mothers know, they are not alone. If maternal mental health is left ignored, untreated and unnoticed, it will lead to dire and tragic long term consequences for both mother and baby, and that needs to change now.
To donate to the campaign, click here.