Why Do I Feel So Alone?
No one tells you about this part: new mama loneliness. You are constantly surrounded by other humans and yet you’ve never felt so alone. You see everyone having the “time of their lives” on social media, everyone seems so happy, gathered with friends and family.
But you’re sitting at home still in your pajamas, un-showered, and wondering why your friends never call you. You’ve always been a part of a group, but as a mother, you’ve lost that a bit, and as a result, you’ve never felt so lonely.
The transition into motherhood can be both incredibly rewarding and challenging. For many mothers, the joy of having a new baby is accompanied by feelings of loneliness and isolation as they adjust to their new roles. In this blog, we explore the growing reality of new mama loneliness, its causes and consequences, and how to combat it with self-care and support from other moms. We also provide tools that can help new moms manage their loneliness.
Have you felt lonely since becoming a mother? Share your story in the comments – we want to hear what you have gone through!
Always Had A Group
Starting with high school
In high school, I was a member of the unofficial homework club (an unflattering nickname coined by a popular hockey player). Although it was not a real club, it was a group of my friends hanging out together, in the library. In honesty, we were actually just a group of day students at a private school with nowhere else to hang out but in the library.
I was also still very close with my “townies” friends, who went to the local public school, whereas I went to the prep school located in my town. Despite that, I spent more time with them than the students at my school. They are my ‘derty’ girls- a play on the popular Christina Aguilera song “Dirty” and a private joke about using ‘der’ 10 years after it was cool. My derty girls are still some of my best friends today- we’ve all been friends since elementary school.
College and beyond
By college, I had the girls in my first year program, who I instantly bonded with upon arriving at the dorm. We were all living down the hall from one another and going to class together. It was September 2001, and when 9/11 occurred, since we were out of our comfort zones and not living with family, we sought the comfort of each other. It is the only good thing that came from that tragedy. We may not have been as close as we are still to this day, had we not had to navigate a new world as freshman in college after a terrorist attack.
Some of those girls would eventually become both my best friends and my sorority sisters. My sorority became my family away from home. We bickered and fought like real sisters, but we also loved each other unconditionally. We worked as a team, we partied like college students, but we took care of each other like family. As a member of Kappa Delta Sigma, I began to figure out who I was as a person, and am thankful for the lessons I learned being a part of that family. I will always consider KDS as my second home.
When I moved to Rhode Island after college, I lived with two of my ‘derty’ girls. I even traveled in a group. Eventually that group grew, having met some incredible friends through my job as a mortgage underwriter. We worked together by day and went out together at night. Slowly we all began to get coupled up, and went out less together as a group.
The difficulty that comes with being “mom”
I began to feel lost after marriage and kids. It was when I realized that I had always had a group to be a part of, but as a mom, my group got smaller and smaller. I had moved away from most of my core adult group of friends- now 2 hours away vs the short walk down the road or the stumble across the hall. Yearly visits with college friends went one, two, three years without happening.
It becomes so much harder to plan a get together when you have moms involved. There are so many moving pieces now. One can’t go because she’s exclusively nursing. Another can’t make it because that’s her husband’s busy work season. Another can’t go, because she’s short on money. You spend so much trying to pick a date that as the time passes, going back and forth, the conversation slowly fades, until someone reminds everyone that it’s been three years and we haven’t seen each other.
Enter Postpartum Depression
I pulled back from everyone when I was experiencing postpartum depression and anxiety. I felt especially lonely and withdrawn. I waited for friends to notice, but when seldom called, I stopped reaching out. I know that everyone was consumed by their own lives, buying houses, getting married and having children, just as I had done but I missed them. I missed being a part of a group; I missed having that group who understood because we were all going through the same experiences.
I felt like I was pretending to be happy when I posted on social media. When I did manage a phone call with a friend, it was often interrupted by kids or focused more on the surface level stuff, catching up for lost time: how the baby was, how the new job was; how Harrison was dealing with a sibling… it felt like we didn’t have time to dig deeper. I was craving the deep dive- the confessions that often happen after multiple glasses of wine and girl talk. But I never seemed to get there.
What causes new mama loneliness?
New mama loneliness is a growing reality for many mothers transitioning into motherhood and is caused by a combination of factors. Isolation, changes in hormones, lack of support or resources, sleep deprivation, and lack of social interaction all contribute to this feeling of loneliness.
For new moms who have recently given birth, it can be difficult to maintain their pre-baby lifestyle. Many find themselves suddenly cut off from old friends or co-workers who don’t understand the demands of having a newborn in the house. Even those with close family members nearby may feel isolated as their lives become consumed by caring for their little one.
Hormones and stress
Hormonal shifts are another cause of loneliness in new moms. After giving birth, hormonal levels rapidly fluctuate as the body adjusts back to its normal pre-pregnancy state. These fluctuations can lead to emotional instability and feelings of isolation as well as depression and anxiety.
In addition to physical and emotional stressors, new moms often lack the support they need during this transition period. This could take the form of little help from family members or limited access to resources such as childcare options or health care professionals. As a result, many new mothers feel overwhelmed and disconnected from those around them – leading to feelings of loneliness and despair.
What is sleep? Where are my friends?
Sleep deprivation can also play an important role in new mama loneliness. Newborn babies often require frequent feeding throughout the night which leaves little time for parents to get adequate rest – leaving them exhausted both physically and mentally during the day when they should be bonding with their baby or catching up on much needed sleep.
Finally, lack of social interaction can also contribute to feelings of loneliness among new moms who are unable or unwilling to leave their homes due to fears about taking care of their baby in public places such as parks or malls – leaving them feeling trapped inside their homes without any contact with other adults besides those already living with them at home
Consequences of new mama loneliness
The effects of new mama loneliness can be far-reaching and long-lasting if not addressed. From depression and anxiety to decreased quality of life, it is important for mothers to take steps to combat the isolation that may come with parenthood. Taking time for self-care, connecting with other moms going through a similar experience, and seeking out resources or therapy are all great ways to prevent any negative impacts on both the mother’s mental health as well as her relationship with her partner. With the right amount of support, new moms can successfully manage any loneliness they may feel during this life transition.
How to combat loneliness as a new mom
The transition into parenthood is not always easy, and new mothers often find themselves struggling with feelings of loneliness. Understanding your needs is a key factor in overcoming loneliness – what makes you feel connected, supported, and loved? Once you have answered these questions, start taking steps towards fulfilling them by setting goals or creating a plan.
Tips for the Lonely Moms Club Members:
- Reach out to a trusted friend on the phone- sometimes a well-timed call to a friend is just what you need. Do it when the kids are at school or when they are napping. If it’s hard to catch one another- make a phone date.
- Local moms groups- search your area for new mom groups or story times at the library. Finding nothing local? Start your own. Post on local facebook groups. Put a flyer up at the market or the local coffee shop. Share with your library- maybe they can put in their newsletter. Ask friends to come and spread the word about your group. Other mothers feel the same way you do and sometimes you have to be the change by starting something new.
- Join a Facebook group- like mine! Cold coffee and chaos. Join a few! But make sure you get a good vibe and feeling for the group. Some can be very intense with lots of rules and may not be a fun place to hang out. You want to find people who support you and raise you up. Bonus points if they share funny parenting memes- we all need a good laugh sometimes.
- Plan a girls night out or a weekend away. Even if you have to plan it out months in advance, get it on the calendar and let the world know that is YOUR TIME and you expect your village to come in and help you with the kids.
- Get out of the house- being stuck in the house for days on end with little people demanding juice every five minutes can get old. Sometimes some fresh air and a trip to the park will hep everyone’s spirit. Plus kids will be busy and tired, and you can have a well deserved break. Talk to other moms at the playground, story time, at the gym, at the grocery store. You never know who you will meet- they could be your mom friend soulmate.
- Join a multi-level marketing group (like Beachbody or Rodan and Fields or Dot Dot Smile). Or look for a mastermind or other group where you are an active participant in something that is for you, something not to do with your kids, a passion project or new hobby. It may sound crazy, but I’ve done this and met some pretty amazing people with whom I have really amazing connections with.
- Put in some effort. Being a mom is exhausting but don’t forget that part of you that makes you you- she’s still in there, and so much more than ‘just a mom’. And that includes your best friends. If the plan for a get together stalls, remind everyone that you were trying to pick a date. If you can’t physically get together, plan a wine zoom date. Make it happen.
- Take charge. Sometimes you need a team captain to take the reins and pick a time and a place or start that local moms group. Inform your partner that they are expected to be present with the kids while you are out. Arrange for a babysitter. Be bossy. Your friends will all thank you for it.
By taking advantage of these various tools, new moms can successfully combat their feelings of loneliness while transitioning into motherhood – whilst also fostering positive relationships with other mothers along the way!
My way out
Being in a group of women made me feel whole again- they let me vent, they vented; we all listened and laughed and shared a similar experience with one another. When I became a mother, I felt like I had to hide all the dark parts of me because we had such infrequent time together. No one wanted to hear about how the baby never slept, your nipples hurt and you were so lonely and sad you didn’t know how to cope anymore.
How I climbed out of loneliness
As time went on, I confided in close friends how I was really feeling and found that they too felt similarly. I had no idea that loneliness has become a part of motherhood. We are all so busy trying to be the best parents we can be, that we lose ourselves, we lose our friends, and we lose touch of what matters. By finally confiding in friends, I learned how much more common this feeling was with other women too. Knowing this, I am now desperate to find ways to help other mothers realize that while it is an expected lonely time, there are ways to change that.
For me, I began making more effort to see friends or at the very least reach out in any form: email, text, phone… whenever I felt alone. I joined a mastermind group with ladies who felt a calling for something more. I began connecting with other mamas in my Facebook group. And I suddenly felt a little less alone.
The impact of new mama loneliness
The transition into motherhood can be both incredibly rewarding and challenging. For many mothers, the joy of having a new baby is accompanied by feelings of loneliness and isolation as they adjust to their new roles. Being a new mom can be an isolating experience, as the physical and mental exhaustion can make it difficult to find time or energy for socializing with others. This lack of connection to others often leads to loneliness, which can interfere with a mother’s ability to bond with her baby and even lead to depression.
The statistics don’t lie
A study conducted in 2014 found that over 40% of new moms felt lonely after childbirth—a number which has likely grown as more moms have taken on the role of primary caregiver. New mama loneliness can be exacerbated by a lack of understanding from family and friends about the changes taking place in the mother’s life, making it even harder for her to feel supported during this vulnerable period.
It’s important for anyone who might be feeling isolated or overwhelmed during these first few months of motherhood to recognize the signs of loneliness in order to seek help and support. Taking time for self-care is essential, but it’s also beneficial for moms to connect with other moms who understand what they are going through—whether that’s online or offline —and build networks of support.
Don’t retreat into loneliness. Sometimes you need to take charge and make the girls’ time happen. Even if you have to plan it three months out or even a year, put it on the books. You’ll never regret that time- you’ll just look at each other and say “We need to do this more.”
“A strong friendship doesn’t need daily conversation, doesn’t always need togetherness as long as the relationship lives in the heart, true friends will never part.”
Unknown