When I agreed to host Christmas, what I didn’t factor in was that I would be barely two months postpartum. I was crying for hours every day because right after Thanksgiving, I had to return to work after a short 8-week maternity leave (Thanks America).
What I also didn’t consider was that my family would want to know all the logistics for returning to work: how long was my commute, how long I’d be away each day, who was watching my son, how I was handling it and how many days I had left. It felt like torture for me, having to answer the same questions repeatedly without losing control of my emotions and crying alone in his nursery.
I was nervous about cooking for our families as I get massive anxiety when I cook for others. I just don’t have the confidence in my own cooking skills to make a meal for a lot of people, let alone have the pressure of not screwing up a once a year important family meal.
But we decided to tackle the hosting duties anyway as we didn’t want to decide what set of parents would get to spend time with the new babies in our family (my brother had had a daughter two months before me).
We delegated what we could, and my husband stepped into the role of the main chef, where I was responsible for both nursing my 2 month old and preparing the side dishes. We kept it pretty simple, making or buying most of the staples. There were only minor complaints (who complains when we just made you an edible meal!?! Your welcome) and we managed to make it through dinner pretty smoothly.
NEVER Again
Afterwards while recanting the day, my husband and I agreed that making a Thanksgiving meal had to be the worst kind of family function to host. You spend all your time cooking to enjoy a meal that lasts 15 minutes. You don’t socialize, you don’t catch up with family. You are stuck in the kitchen, cooking. Unless you love to cook, it’s not much fun. Plus all that hard work is consumed in 15 minutes and looking back- was it worth all the fuss?
The day was stressful, but not unmanageable. While I wasn’t suffering from extreme postpartum anxiety or depression, it was difficult trying to exist as a new mother during the holidays, having new responsibilities and trying to appease the masses. Not only was I responsible for my guests and cooking for them and making sure there was no unwanted and unnecessary drama, I was also trying to figure out this whole new mom thing. Little did I know that two years later, it would be far worse. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
You can’t skip the holidays, so how do we survive them?
I won’t lie, it’s not easy to host your extended family at the holidays. Preparing yourself for the day may make the days easier to handle. These tips are amazing for both first holidays with a new baby or if you’re suffering from a maternal mental health disorder. Either way, thinking ahead may save you some much needed sanity around the holiday season.
12 Practical Strategies For Surviving the Holidays When You Have Postpartum Depression
- Make a plan in advance. Be able to develop a plan with your partner and be able to delegate to people what you need done.
- Shop early. Shop Online. Get it done and over with.
- Don’t try to pack in every single event to make Christmas special that first year. They won’t remember it. Pick one tradition to add to your family, and you can add more as the years go on. Keep it simple when you’re struggling. For my son’s first Christmas, I did personalized ornaments and an overpriced picture with Santa. From that year on, we have added to the traditions.
- Make sure you get some “ME” time. You need a break. You need to pamper yourself. You need a moment to yourself. Take it.
- Don’t put pressure on yourself to “Enjoy Every Moment.” You probably didn’t enjoy every moment before you had kids, and you probably won’t enjoy every moment after either.
- Know your boundaries. Know when you have had too much of something: Crowds during a tree lighting, too much family time, too much wine to cope with too much family time. Know when to call it, and make sure your partner is aware also.
- Talk with your partner. Come up with a code word for when it’s time to go. Ever seen the movie “Four Christmases?” They use the word mistletoe to signal that it’s time to go when visiting all four sets of their parents on Christmas day. We now use mistletoe as our word.
- If you’re traveling, make sure you have a space of your own to go and chill out when you need a break. Even if you are going away just for the day.
- Stay home if you are able to. Have a small family get together. Have people come to you.
- Let people know how you’re feeling instead of trying to hide it. If they know how anxious being out with your baby or for yourself is, they are less likely to be upset with you for avoiding the big holiday parties.
- I once heard this from someone, “Plan the event, not the outcome.” You only have so much control- try not to stress yourself out when things don’t go according to plan. They never do.
- Know that it is okay to have darkness during your holiday time. Remember your coping mechanisms, phone a friend, ask for an extra hug or an extra therapy session. Know that holidays often trigger some undesired feelings for many, and you are not alone.
Round Two: Two Years Later
When we decided to build a house near my hometown, I had visions of hosting big holiday parties and social gatherings. We have a great room with tall cathedral ceilings, perfect for a huge Christmas tree and hosting big family parties.
So it was a no brainer when it came to Christmas that I would host. We decided to do a Christmas brunch- because brunch is easy and can be prepped ahead of time. What wasn’t easy were my emotions as a mother of 2, 5 months postpartum.
When everyone arrived, I pretended I was upstairs nursing, unprepared for dealing with family during what happened to be a very stressful Christmas season that year. I closed the door as my dog barked every time someone new arrived. I just cradled my daughter, not exactly feeling like socializing with everyone, but feeling that tug of obligation to my guests, I knew I would have to go down eventually. I just wanted to wait a little longer.
Can’t Hide Forever
My mom found me eventually and I pretended as if I had just finished nursing and followed her downstairs. The brunch food smelled amazing, but then remembering that I couldn’t eat 95% of the items on the table, my spirits remained low.
Something in my breast milk was making my daughter’s digestive tract very unhappy, so without being able to do allergy testing until she was a bit older, I had given up dairy, eggs, soy and all nuts. It was my first holiday where all the food was very nostalgic to me- the brown sugar cookies, the Finnish coffee bread, my Dad’s leftover stuffed mushrooms from the night before. I moped around, staying away from the food, as it only made me feel sadder.
Sean was in charge of cooking the brunch foods: quiche, bacon, eggs, sausage. (You might wonder what I did eat… not much other than the dairy free, egg free coffee cake I made and probably devoured most of). Yet again we had delegated a good amount of the holiday goodies to be made by guests so that we could enjoy the day.
And that’s when the anxiety creeps in
I spent a majority of my day panicking about where my daughter was. She was passed around from person to person, but I was hyper aware of where she was at all times, just in case she needed me. This was my anxiety shining through. I didn’t want her to be with anyone but me. I wanted her to be safe in my arms, and all to myself.
In addition to feeling extremely anxious, I felt like I was playing a part: trying to be the happy mother of two beautiful kids, having our first Christmas in our newly built house. I felt like a fraud. I hated every picture that was taken of me that day, because it felt like I was playing pretend.
Inside, I was battling a war against myself and I didn’t want anyone to know. I wanted to play the part of the doting, loving mother who loved her kids more than anything in the world, but instead I doubted everything I did.
I worried if I had been giving enough attention to Harrison that day, agonized if he had a truly amazing Christmas. He was 2- I’m sure cookies for breakfast and being spoiled with gifts, sums up a pretty perfect day for a two-year old. But still I worried.
I worried that my husband was unable to be with family because he was cooking; I felt guilty I wasn’t helping. I felt guilty that I didn’t want to help because I couldn’t eat any of the food.
Thankfully I was able to take my baby upstairs and nurse anytime I needed to; shut the door and take a breather every once in a while and it would be the perfect excuse. I was a skilled breastfeeding mama, being able to safely keep any ‘nip-slips’ from occurring and could have easily nursed downstairs in front of family. But her nursery was my safe haven: it was just me and her. She needed me and I needed her, and that’s all that mattered in those moments.
Know that it is okay to have darkness during your holiday time. Remember your coping mechanisms, phone a friend, ask for an extra hug or an extra therapy session. Know that holidays often trigger some undesired feelings for many, and you are not alone.
It’s not easy, but you will get through it. Think of what will bring you the most peace and do that. Let everyone (that you feel comfortable with) know what’s going on and how you are choosing to spend the holiday preserving your own mental health. Family may not agree, but you need to do what’s best for you during a delicate time.
And I hope that you do have a wonderful holiday season, and if you need some extra support, please do not hesitate to reach out for my help. I am available for both new mom in person support and virtual mom coaching so that you can survive, maybe even thrive during the holidays.